I am dating a man who has an addiction to porn. He watches it almost daily, sometimes three or four times a day. Keep in mind this is something I discovered after a year, now that he is comfortable with me and feels secure about us, this comes out. He now claims that "having sex with me is boring." But he also claims he loves me and it's not enough to break us up. My only issue is I can't enjoy him intimately because it feels like now he has sex with me out of obligation. This takes away from the intimacy. I have opened this conversation up on many occasions, and he will respect what we discuss for a week or so, then goes right back to the porn. I feel occasional porn is healthy for couples, but every day is too much, and it does affect our sex life. Do you think he will ever stop or slow down? What can I do to help him recognize this is a problem?
As you say, porn can be a part of a healthy relationship. Frankly, whether a guy watches porn zero times a day or many times a day, what really matters is how he treats you. And this guy is treating you with disrespect. He’s shutting you out and telling you that sex with you is boring? What an obnoxious jerk! You do not have to take that kind of insult. I bet his insulting, belittling attitude is what “takes away from the intimacy,” not the porn.
In some cases, an over-reliance on porn does eventually turn guys off from real sex — an addiction contributor Daniel Simmons wrote about in this Cosmopolitan story, “How Porn Addiction Ruined My Sex Life.” That’s bad enough. But a problem isn’t an excuse to insult someone or treat your partner with anything less than love. It’s infuriating that your boyfriend felt that it was OK to tell you that he thinks sex with you is obligatory and not as thrilling as jerking off with his laptop. That’s disrespectful, insulting, and just not fucking cool.
When you talk, try reminding him that the problem isn’t necessarily the porn, it’s the way porn is affecting your life and the way he treats you. Tell him that the porn watching wouldn’t really bother you if he treated you well and could actually participate in your actual sex life, rather than retreat into his virtual fetish. He could seek out therapy. But if he’s in denial, you’ve got to decide how patient you are going to be — and how long you are willing for him to wake up.
If you’ve raised this issue repeatedly and he hasn’t begun treating you better, I do think you need to be very careful and consider leaving. Remember that you don’t have to make this work. You’re not asking for much. Believe me, it will not be hard for you to find a guy who likes real sex with an actual woman.
I'm so sad right now. I met a guy online, he lived abroad, after being in touch for almost a year, we decided to meet in person. I'm 22 now and he's 49. I had to save up to buy the plane ticket. I hid the relationship from my friends and family. Finally he ended up giving me, like, 29 percent of the ticket money so I could buy it. I'm a full-time student so it was pretty hard to get that money. So we met up, I stayed in his house (I lost my virginity to this man), and everything was pretty cool, even though I stayed alone a lot of time while he was working. But I loved him: We talked about life, politics, and he made me feel desired, cute, and interesting. The day I had to leave was super sad, I was crying the whole way home; we both didn't know what was going to happen next. So I came back home, I missed him a lot, he said the same, and we were planning to see each other again. I started selling things so I could save up money for school and to go to see him again! Everything was working just fine, we were talking every day on a webcam as well as texting each other constantly. Then he texted me saying he was feeling horrible for something he had to tell me. He said he was in a relationship with another girl last year, and that the next month after I left, this girl came back (she is 21 or so) and stayed in his house for a week, and now she is pregnant by him and he is going to let her move in. That broke my heart. I know I may sound so stupid, but I've been crying since he told me that. I don't have anyone to talk to, I told him that we were over for sure, but after I have done so much to be with him, I can't believe this. I wanted to be with him so bad. I loved everything about him and how he made me feel about me. Now I feel alone and very sad. Never thought that could happen to me, I'm speechless.
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